maggie

I actually didn’t smoke anything when I watched this movie, mostly because it was super early in the morning (9am), I was in bed, and I had a huge weed hangover. I should’ve just smoked a bong hit of something in my stash (Banana, Lucy Liu, Blueberry Kush, New Amsterdam?) even though I was too tired and baked to get up but too tired and stoned to go back to sleep. So I loaded up the Digital Versatile Disc I thought would lull me back into slumber the fastest, the new zombie flick, Maggie.

Except it isn’t really your typical zombie movie, as it not only stars the Governator and Little Miss Sunshine, but the zombies are super slow and there’s only two of them. The story revolves around some dude in a truck driving around to find his daughter who ran away for some reason we never learn and then the stupid bitch gets bit by a zombie we never see. He then finds her in a hospital, and the doctors say, “Well, she’s infected, but she’s not serious yet cause it takes a long time to turn into a zombie, so, just bring her back after you hang out for six to eight weeks until she gets crazy and her flesh rots and she smells food that isn’t there and eats foxes in the woods, and then we’ll go ahead and check her into quarantine, where we’ll pretty much just basically murder her.”

I’m not a scientist or nothin’, not like Neil Tyson Degrasse or Kevin Spacey, but I don’t think a realistic quarantine situation would involve letting the person that is infected with a deadly virus go gallivanting around the community with the promise that when that said infected person gets sick beyond their own physical care, they’ll return to a safe and secluded environment that will protect them from infecting others. But, whatever. The whole point of this story doesn’t revolve around the inconsistency of realism, but the idea behind the dilemma of turning in a loved one who’s infected into the quarantine that will destroy them inhumanely so you don’t have to. Pretty much the equivalent of every theme in any zombie film, this version of it being a lot tamer and more boring. But, once again, whatever.

If Schwarzenegger wants to make his greatest dramatic attempt at a clichéd genre since Twins or Jingle All the Way, then fuck it, let him do whatever. You really want to watch a better zombie movie, take a couple vape hits and watch the other one Maggie was in, Zombieland. It’s a lot funnier and has Bill Murray in it.